Memento Mori — What if you are not going to retire?
Think about this for a short while — What if you knew for a fact that you were not going to get old enough to retire?
Would that change how you think about your life?
Would that change the decisions you make?
How you or do not spend your time?
How you or do not spend your money?
Who you do or do not spend these two with?
In my case this thought experiment feels very real at the moment.
My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in her mid-fifties and has now had it for almost 7 years, and my dad died earlier this year due to an acute heart failure at the age of 58.
Neither of them ever got to retire in any real sense.
They were both hard working for most of my life, my mom ran her own real estate firm, and my dad worked at different small to medium-sized companies holding roles such as CPO, CFO, and CEO. They both kept up with their savings and had enough money to be able to sustain their comfortable standard of living until they turned 100 if luck would have it their way.
But as mentioned, it didn’t.
That being said, they still spent the time and the money they had quite well from my perspective. They taught me and my sister how to ski, how to fish, how to hunt, ride a bike, enjoy the outdoors, experience different places and cultures and they made sure we got a ride to different sports activities, they helped us with our homework and so on. They also made sure that we had a sit down dinner with the whole family for most days of the week, and we always spent the larger parts of most weekends together. In other words, they were both great parents, and they invested their time and resources in me and my sister throughout our upbringing, for which I’ll be eternally grateful!
As I unfortunately can not ask either of them right now if they regret something, I am still quite sure they both would answer that they did not spend even more time with us, and with each other.
The reason I say that is because it got very clear when my mom got her diagnosis, and we all realised that our time with her was limited. They went on more trips together, they visited me and my sister more frequently, and they spent a lot more time together. In other words, the reminder of death made them change how they lived their lives for the better.
I do not think most people ever really consider the fact that they will not retire, and I for one think this is a shame. It is a shame because thinking about it would likely also impact their lives in a positive way.
To be honest this thought experiment cuts even closer to the bone than that, because as I have learned the hard way, you are not even sure you will be in good health yourself 10 years from now, and you are certainly not sure that those closest to you will.
Some might argue that thinking about life in this way sounds too depressing. Because most of us, most of the time want to stay positive, we want to manifest, hope, and pray for whatever we wish for, and want to dream big for our lives. We don’t want to imagine that we’ll get sick, or that someone close to us will die, but as a matter of fact, both of these are 100% likely to happen, it’s just a matter of time, whereas those big dreams and wishes are not. But it is not really about letting go of these dreams and wishes, rather to focus more on what you have in this very moment, and appreciate this to a greater extent. To tell your sister that you love her, because you do, or to hug your grandmother that one extra time - I actually made sure to do these myself today.
So I am not all doom and gloom. I would suggest that if you have the possibility, make sure to spend even more time with your loved ones, do it by making sure to take out the maximum amount of holiday days you can, and then some, and spend these with friends, family, and activities you love.
When I was 23 I got my first two tattoos, one is a heart, the other one a skull, both close to each other on my left forearm. They were intentionally placed in a way so that I would see them multiple times every day. And they were both supposed to represent two stoic maxims:
The heart stands for ”Amor Fati”, which is latin for Love of faith, and the skull ”Memento Mori”, which is latin for Remember Death.
What the skull was supposed to do was to remind me that I, and everyone I know and love will die.
Death is hard to accept, I will be the first one to admit to this, perhaps it is even impossible to accept in some ways, and it is not something I have mastered fully myself, I want to be honest about that.
But the skull helped to remind me that my mom and dad would eventually die, even before I had any real reason to believe that they would as they were both in their early fifties as I got it tattooed. So it compelled me to make sure to spend quality time with them, and in the case of my dad, to tell him that I loved him, to make sure to tell him about my problems, my thoughts, and about my life. And in so doing, he did the same with me. Because of this I do not feel that I have had any real regrets since his passing. I do not feel like there was anything I wish I had said, done, or shared with him that I did not do, and this brings me a lot of peace. After having read and talked a lot about grief with therapists, counselors, and clergies, I’ve understood this to be quite rare, which saddens me.
Unfortunately, this is not something I managed to get as far as with my Mom, since as my perspectives and understanding of this grew over the years this was canceled out by the fact that her mental capabilities worsened faster. And the intimate talks and wonderful experiences that I got to share with my Dad have since a few years ago been impossible to have with her. And much as I would have loved to have had this understanding even earlier, which would have made me as aware of how precious my time with her was, I did not, which is why I understand how important it is!
So please, while you hopefully still have the chance — Forgive that sibling of yours, tell your friend how much you appreciate them, give some of your money to make the world a better place, give out all the hugs and kisses you can whenever you can, and spend as much of your time and resources in a way that would bring you as much peace as possible once you, whenever it may be, is forced to encounter death in some way.
